Co-Regulation and Self Regulation
Co-Regulation is a term that you may have heard thrown around online or from professionals in your life, but what is it and how do we use it?
What is co-regulation?
You may have heard someone say that emotions are contagious. Whether positive or negative, many of us find that when we are around someone who is upset, grouchy, or sad, we may begin share that experience with them and notice a shift in our own moods. The same goes for positive emotions, when someone is calm or happy, we may begin to feel some of their positive energy rub off on us. This is at the heart of co-regulation. By controlling and using our own emotions, we can influence someone else’s mood. This can be most useful when people in our lives are experiencing big emotions, melt downs, or unease.
What is self regulation?
The ability to control our own emotions and adjust our behaviors to help cope when we experience distressing emotions or environments is the ability to self regulate. Adjusting our behaviors to mitigate our emotions is something we may be doing all day without realizing it and what we strive to teach out children. Self regulation is a learned skill that primarily develops between the ages of 3 and 7 and co-regulation is a huge piece in helping children develop and refine this skill. Children under the age of 3 rely heavily on co-regulation and your ability to self-regulate around them can contribute to their ability to calm down from big emotions or tantrums.
How co-regulation works
Co-regulation will look different in every situation but can be broken down into three main steps.
Self regulate your own emotions
This may look different for everyone but whatever the situation may be, do whatever is necessary to get yourself as calm as possible before engaging with the person you are working to co-regulate. Maybe this looks like taking a deep breath, spending a moment with the family pet, or listening to your favorite song. Whatever works for you, try one or a combination of those strategies until you feel calm enough to tackle the situation at hand.
2. Validate the individual’s feelings
Validation helps the individual experiencing big emotions feel understood and establishes trust, which is part of the foundation of co-regulation. Even if you don’t agree with the emotions or behaviors being displayed, validating other’s emotions shows that you understand their point of view. Validation can be as simple as maintaining eye contact and nodding along with them, offering a gentle touch or deep pressure hug, or expressing what they’re feeling. Try stating what the other person is feeling such as “I know that you really don’t want to take a bath right now” or “It’s really hard to wait for something we really want”. An important part of validation is allowing time for it sink in without immediately jumping to problem solving or explanations of why they need to take a bath or wait for something they want. Try taking a moment to take another deep breath, or count to 20 in your head to allow the validation to sink in. Look for signs the person is calming down such as decreased respiration, relaxing of the posture, or eye contact with you.
3. Decide on a strategy for next steps
After observing the individual’s response to your validation, decide what the next course of action should be. Maybe they need a redirection away from the thing that upset them. Consider a cold drink of water, a snack, some deep pressure input or creative task such as coloring or drawing. After this initial redirection, assess if the person seems ready for problem solving or explanations of why the upsetting task needs to be completed. Maybe you can sense they are still experiencing heightened states of emotions and need further co-regulation and sensory input. A brief walk outdoors, dance party, or bigger movements like jumping jacks, bouncing on an exercise ball or trampoline can help the body release the stress inducing energy and return to a regulated state.
The important part of co-regulation is completing these regulating strategies together. Allowing them to see that you are there and supporting them in their physical and emotional needs will help build trust and further develop their own self-regulation skills. Co-regulation will look different in every situation and depend upon the age of the person you are co-regulating with. Co-regulation can be a useful tool for infants, toddlers, children, teens and even the adults in your life. The older the individual, the less involved you may need to be in assisting their self-regulation, but by controlling your own emotions while around them, you can help them reach a calmer state for improved problem solving. Co-regulation is something that takes practice, so be patient and don’t expect perfection in every situation. Over time, this skill will strengthen and become more natural.